18
Doc told me to do this, otherwise i wouldn’t have bothered. he said you need another outlet zoe and you’re staying out too late. said he was starting to get concerned by my erratic behavior patterns. where i go at night isn’t really his business but he’s a nice guy. always been good with me. soothing voice, thank god.
maybe he’s right. maybe it’s time to find something new to focus on. wouldn’t want him to worry.
think i’m going to write my number at the top, above every entry. it’s a good reminder. Dad said once that the highway of life is confusing but a little marker on every mile can go a long way. Dad liked sappy stuff like that, things that didn’t make any sense when you thought about them. like something you’d find in some weight-loss book. how to look like an anorexic in ten short days. maybe he was being ironic. maybe i should have laughed
when Dad died i broke into pieces. i was in eleventh grade. came home and he was in the garage with the doors closed and the lights off and the gas on. IT WASN’T SUICIDE. kids told me at school that he killed himself because of mom, that he felt guilty. they were liars. somebody did it to him. somebody got him drunk and turned the key and left him to rot. he had enemies mom and i were the only ones at the funeral. felt like even god forgot. i never hated Dad though, never. wore my black velvet dress with the fringed sleeves and the scoop down the back that he gave me for my fourteenth birthday. mom started pretend crying when they were lowering him into the grave. i thought about jumping in and leaving her too.
my head hurts. i don’t feel like writing. going to stop for the night.
18
it’s been tough but my number hasn’t changed. not for lack of wanting been at the office for three years and people still stare, whisper like they’re watching me in a zoo. hey everyone, it’s the crazy girl from the broken home. so many questions. people are predictable in the ways they disappoint you. Doc’s been coaching me on breathing exercises but the nerves aren’t going anywhere. least i’m not hyperventilating anymore. progress.
ate lunch with rita today. she’s still the same. never lets me get a word in edgewise. only wants to talk about her kids and her yoga and her boring pool parties. just nodded, said yeah a lot, watched her stuff down mall chinese. Doc asked what my food was and i said good conversation. he laughed, ha ha. it was one of Dad’s dumb lines a funny joke so i didn’t mind.
not sure what to write about now.
18
getting colder outside. leaves shriveling up with the season. makes it hard to get motivated, get outside, get out of bed. means i’m stuck in my apartment. everything blends together here, beer cans sitting in paint cans all crumpled up. blankets around blankets around me but my fingers still feel numb. don’t know who i’m kidding when i pretend anything’s changing
in our session Doc wanted to know about home. not the apartment but the house i grew up in. makes sense. establish trust, revisit old pain through new eyes. hard to do when you don’t remember the house though. just hazy moments. stuff like too many shades in the living room, stuff like the doorbell didn’t work right so Dad had to nail in a knocker but he did it upside down by mistake. the basin in the backyard where i found a snake, and the fridge with too many calendars, and the doggie door we never needed, and the guest room where we kept my gymnastics trophies, and the study with the chair where
anyway don’t remember much. told Doc it was a normal house. not much to say to each other after that.
18
called in sick to work today. watched lost for the first time. decided my favorite scene was the flashback where john locke stands up after the plane crash. he’s a hero, he’s confident, everybody loves him. but he used to be in a wheelchair. he stops needing it after landing on the island but he doesn’t tell anyone. none of them know he can’t really walk. made my chest feel tight. happy, but sad too.
Doc said i made it sound inspiring. told him i just appreciated the acting. honestly i liked that it changed his character into someone i didn’t know. gave him a secret, showed he came from a strong broken place that no one else understood. admired that about him. nobody needed to know what he’d been through in order to believe in him.
in the next episode jack starts seeing visions of his dead father all over the island. got to the part where he finds his father’s coffin and it’s empty. it’s empty. closed the computer. got back in bed. didn’t do anything else for the rest of the day.
tomorrow i’m going to watch something else.
18
the new girl at work is beautiful. don’t know how i didn’t notice before. her hair is a curtain of crimson and her freckles are fascinating. makes me think of constellations. stared at them for a while but i think it made her uncomfortable. she told me her name was jennifer but that might be a lie. could ask her to dinner. been a while since i’ve had anyone new to talk to.
tried to bring home a girl once in high school. her name was lisa. she liked cartwheeling, old comic books, blue nail polish. my favorite thing about her were her eyes. they were liquid brown, earth-color, and they were so normal and real and right. we rode bikes up and down main street and launched bricks onto rooftops and laughed when they didn’t quite make it and threw pinecones at her bonehead brothers. sometimes we would share each other’s ice cream. made summer nice for a little while
dragged lisa over to dinner one night and announced at the table that we were in love. mom exploded. she was louder than i’d ever heard her with Dad so i knew it was serious. lisa turned white and tried to leave but mom just kept screaming. by the time she threw her out the door they were both crying. Dad looked upset but not at me. he told me to go Sit Down. that was what i was supposed to do when they fought. Sit Down in the stiff wooden chair in the study and stare at his medical textbooks with the door closed. hated it but i had to. after that
maybe i won’t ask the new girl out. eating alone isn’t the worst thing in the world.