Single Scene

          When she was finished, she set the pencil aside and rolled over on the grass to gaze up at him. He seemed almost asleep to her eyes: dense breath rushing in and out of his chest, a hand resting carefully on each of his thick knees, eyes concealed and unmoving behind a round pair of dark glasses. Yet as she stretched out her hand, mutely proffering the stack of papers, his fingers opened. His left hand accepted the offering, while his right produced a slender brown pen from one of his pockets. Both figures reclined back in their positions, their transaction concluded. He in his vaguely academic lawn chair—one that sagged handsomely in places—regarding her work with the slow sort of crushing curiosity that she had come to appreciate. And she in her bed of tangled foliage, dry shoots and long stems caressing her body, watching the wrinkles in his brow crease and the lines around his mouth tauten and tighten.

            So they rested, shaded in comfortable silence, while the swamp lived and died around them.

            She decided that it bothered her. Not knowing what he was thinking, that is. Oh, she could read his appearance well enough. The weathered collared shirt, tanned azure by the sun and unbuttoned down to his chest hair. When he’d rolled his sleeves up she’d known he was enjoying the heat. His not-quite-white khakis, sturdy and stiff and studiously belted. Only the observant would notice the slight hint of purplish-blue sock that suggested a different persona. His grey beard, rough and scraggly and combed to ware off intruders; his feet, encased in dark leather shoes and planted firmly in the soil, undoubtedly sensing a myriad of miniature creatures; his wide flared nostrils, the only part of his body that never ceased moving.

            But his expression remained as unreadable and indecipherable as the sun hanging heavy above them. How many countless peoples had looked up at that searing yellow sphere, the only thing on the horizon, and wondered what mysteries it held? Tried to interpret meaning for themselves? Unfortunate that none of them realized how uncaring and distant and utterly alien that ball of superheated gases really was.

            “You’re doing it wrong,” he said.

            She blinked suddenly, thrown out of her daydream. “What?”

            “You’re doing it wrong. You’re not thinking about all of that,” he said, motioning to the terrain before them, “you’re thinking about this.” He gestured dismissively at their tiny corner of the bog. One of his eyebrows was raised in a stalwart expression of try and surprise me. Perhaps it was a permanent position.

            She crooked her mouth into half a frown, trying not to grin. “I wrote about the swamp.” Her toes wiggled against the bare air.

            “You did,” he acknowledged. “But you were thinking about yourself. Listen.” He rapped the papers with his pen. “‘The gnarled tree dapples the clearing in veils of sunlight, doing little to dispel the humidity that hangs over me.’ ‘The water beckons the weary onward, hoping to ensnare them within its reflecting depths. But I am one of the wary.’ ‘A beetle crawls along my palm, drinking in my presence. I am a stranger here, it seems to chitter.’” He shook his head and she smiled sheepishly.

            “You can’t be a stranger in this place. To write credibly, compellingly, you need to be a part of whatever you create. If that means inhabiting the mind of your character, losing yourself in the words, or speaking directly to the environment, then that’s what you do. And you commit to it.” He rolled the words around in his mouth before continuing.

            “The swamp knows when you’re not committing. It knows when you’re being facetious. Be comfortable with your subject, be decent and true to it, and it will tell you truth in return.” He handed her the papers and settled back in his chair, and she knew the lesson was over.

            They sat without speaking again, for a little while. Only this time, she realized, there was no silence. The murky ponds were flush with fish and tadpoles and ripples upon ripples of movement. The foliage shuddered and quaked under the weight of countless tiny padding footprints. The long grass stems whistled to themselves, echoing the pitch of the wind as they rocked back and forth. Shrill birdcalls sounded over the clearing, stirring insects that buzzed fearfully and ferociously at one another as they traversed their territory. As she listened, she supposed that perhaps all the noises blended together into a single solitary thrum, a thrum that resonated in the bowels of the land and radiated through the aura of the air and captured the eye of the sun. She wondered whether her own heartbeat could match that sound.

            She picked up the pencil and began to write.

Cold Turkey [Excerpt]

18

Doc told me to do this, otherwise i wouldn’t have bothered. he said you need another outlet zoe and you’re staying out too late. said he was starting to get concerned by my erratic behavior patterns. where i go at night isn’t really his business but he’s a nice guy. always been good with me. soothing voice, thank god.

maybe he’s right. maybe it’s time to find something new to focus on. wouldn’t want him to worry.

think i’m going to write my number at the top, above every entry. it’s a good reminder. Dad said once that the highway of life is confusing but a little marker on every mile can go a long way. Dad liked sappy stuff like that, things that didn’t make any sense when you thought about them. like something you’d find in some weight-loss book. how to look like an anorexic in ten short days. maybe he was being ironic. maybe i should have laughed

when Dad died i broke into pieces. i was in eleventh grade. came home and he was in the garage with the doors closed and the lights off and the gas on. IT WASN’T SUICIDE. kids told me at school that he killed himself because of mom, that he felt guilty. they were liars. somebody did it to him. somebody got him drunk and turned the key and left him to rot. he had enemies mom and i were the only ones at the funeral. felt like even god forgot. i never hated Dad though, never. wore my black velvet dress with the fringed sleeves and the scoop down the back that he gave me for my fourteenth birthday. mom started pretend crying when they were lowering him into the grave. i thought about jumping in and leaving her too.

 

my head hurts. i don’t feel like writing. going to stop for the night.

 

18

it’s been tough but my number hasn’t changed. not for lack of wanting been at the office for three years and people still stare, whisper like they’re watching me in a zoo. hey everyone, it’s the crazy girl from the broken home. so many questions. people are predictable in the ways they disappoint you. Doc’s been coaching me on breathing exercises but the nerves aren’t going anywhere. least i’m not hyperventilating anymore. progress.

ate lunch with rita today. she’s still the same. never lets me get a word in edgewise. only wants to talk about her kids and her yoga and her boring pool parties. just nodded, said yeah a lot, watched her stuff down mall chinese. Doc asked what my food was and i said good conversation. he laughed, ha ha. it was one of Dad’s dumb lines a funny joke so i didn’t mind.

not sure what to write about now.

 

18

getting colder outside. leaves shriveling up with the season. makes it hard to get motivated, get outside, get out of bed. means i’m stuck in my apartment. everything blends together here, beer cans sitting in paint cans all crumpled up. blankets around blankets around me but my fingers still feel numb. don’t know who i’m kidding when i pretend anything’s changing

in our session Doc wanted to know about home. not the apartment but the house i grew up in. makes sense. establish trust, revisit old pain through new eyes. hard to do when you don’t remember the house though. just hazy moments. stuff like too many shades in the living room, stuff like the doorbell didn’t work right so Dad had to nail in a knocker but he did it upside down by mistake. the basin in the backyard where i found a snake, and the fridge with too many calendars, and the doggie door we never needed, and the guest room where we kept my gymnastics trophies, and the study with the chair where

anyway don’t remember much. told Doc it was a normal house. not much to say to each other after that.

 

18

called in sick to work today. watched lost for the first time. decided my favorite scene was the flashback where john locke stands up after the plane crash. he’s a hero, he’s confident, everybody loves him. but he used to be in a wheelchair. he stops needing it after landing on the island but he doesn’t tell anyone. none of them know he can’t really walk. made my chest feel tight. happy, but sad too.

Doc said i made it sound inspiring. told him i just appreciated the acting. honestly i liked that it changed his character into someone i didn’t know. gave him a secret, showed he came from a strong broken place that no one else understood. admired that about him. nobody needed to know what he’d been through in order to believe in him.

in the next episode jack starts seeing visions of his dead father all over the island. got to the part where he finds his father’s coffin and it’s empty. it’s empty. closed the computer. got back in bed. didn’t do anything else for the rest of the day.

tomorrow i’m going to watch something else.

 

18

the new girl at work is beautiful. don’t know how i didn’t notice before. her hair is a curtain of crimson and her freckles are fascinating. makes me think of constellations. stared at them for a while but i think it made her uncomfortable. she told me her name was jennifer but that might be a lie. could ask her to dinner. been a while since i’ve had anyone new to talk to.

tried to bring home a girl once in high school. her name was lisa. she liked cartwheeling, old comic books, blue nail polish. my favorite thing about her were her eyes. they were liquid brown, earth-color, and they were so normal and real and right. we rode bikes up and down main street and launched bricks onto rooftops and laughed when they didn’t quite make it and threw pinecones at her bonehead brothers. sometimes we would share each other’s ice cream. made summer nice for a little while

dragged lisa over to dinner one night and announced at the table that we were in love. mom exploded. she was louder than i’d ever heard her with Dad so i knew it was serious. lisa turned white and tried to leave but mom just kept screaming. by the time she threw her out the door they were both crying. Dad looked upset but not at me. he told me to go Sit Down. that was what i was supposed to do when they fought. Sit Down in the stiff wooden chair in the study and stare at his medical textbooks with the door closed. hated it but i had to. after that

maybe i won’t ask the new girl out. eating alone isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Tipping Your Terrors

            You are not most people. You know this because most people, when asked what they fear most, have boring answers. They’re afraid of falling, or spiders, or disappointing their parents, or a host of other terrors that essentially boil down to an eventual death. Not you; your fear is greater and deeper and yet somehow realer than any human being you’ve ever met. Simply this: you fear the barber. You hate going to the barbershop. But “hate” is a strong word that people use to describe something they only dislike, croon the voices of people who have never had cause to hate anything in their lives. They don’t understand: you detest the barbershop, you loathe it, you even find yourself looking up synonyms for hate in your spare time. Abhor, despise, abominate. You’d burn every barbershop in America down if you felt brave enough. Not, you suspect, that it would do you much good.

            The reason for your fear is this: every time you walk into the barbershop, the same man cuts your hair.

            Not that you noticed at first. After all you were a half-formed child for most of your early years, concerned only with what your parents told you, and making friends, and doing well in school, and sports, and recess, and kisses, and keeping a watchful eye on your siblings, and birthdays, and presents, and always always what there was to eat. Your developing mind could hardly be expected to keep up with the identity of the man who trims your follicles.

            You must have been fifteen when this man’s familiarity suddenly occurred to you. Indeed, you realized how frequently you’d seen him standing that exact way in that exact bow-legged position. He worked, a slightly stooped willow branch of a man, crooked and greying, with a half smile on his face that hinted of mischievous warmth. Perfectly normal though—you’d lived in this town and gone to this shop as long as you could remember, why wouldn’t your barber be familiar? So you watched him steadily sweep the last few tufts of fallen hair away and left the door jangling shut behind you. You were sure you’d see him again, after all.

            In the years to come, you never truly talked to him. At least not beyond banal conversation about the weather, recent movies, what classes you were taking. You never asked him his name either. What if he’d told you once and you’d forgotten it? What if he was offended you hadn’t already asked? No, better to keep the exchange of personal information to a minimum. That was how you liked your haircut experiences: bland, unobtrusive, and archetypal, the way they were meant to be.

            It was only when you went off to college that his presence began to unnerve you. You were headed to the closest local barbershop, fresh off of the phone with one of your new (fair-weather) friends. And there he was, spinning the high-backed chair around to meet you like it was business as usual. You were stunned and struck dumb all at once. You couldn’t think of anything to say. Or at least you couldn’t muster the ability to say any of it. What are you doing here? Did you get fired? Are you stalking me? Is this some kind of a prank? Very funny guys, where are the cameras? Come on guys, this isn’t funny. Guys? Please? Much to your dismay, none of your friends actually believed your crazy story about the barber who’d followed you to college.

            It took two weeks of hair in your eyes before you were willing to step back into a barbershop. It was a different one this time, several towns over, but it didn’t matter. He was the only barber on staff. The other customers seemed to accept him as just another fixture of the establishment, or at least didn’t acknowledge his presence. You had little choice but to sit and wait your turn. And true, the haircut itself was uneventful…but you couldn’t shake the feeling that he was sizing you up, like a particularly juicy piece of clean-shaven meat.

            And now every time you need a haircut, no matter what barbershop you visit, you know you’ll see him. He is the permanent presence in your life. He is your eternal nemesis, your darkest nightmare, the master of your soul. Always watching, always anticipating your arrival. On the day you can take it no more and blow your own brains out the back of your head, he will be standing at the door to Hell’s Barbershop, scissors and spray bottle in hand.

            You know you are greater than God, because God never had to tip Lucifer twenty percent every month.

Sainthood

            He ran, stumbling and puffing, jacket tails billowing in the breeze behind him.  He could feel the black vest constricting his stomach, making layers of fat jiggle and bounce. In the distance the sirens blared, a steady wee-oo wee-oo that renewed his purpose and redoubled his hurried pace. If they caught him, dragged him into a cramped car or a busy station or a holding cell, there would be too many innocent bystanders. Overworked officers with families, victims seeking recompense, recovering addicts hoping for third chances. He couldn’t let that happen—the news would call him a murderer and a terrorist, what would Joanna think?—and so he pressed onward, every step sending lances of pain through his side. He silently cursed his lack of exercise.

            A boy on a bike careened towards him, dark-skinned and dark-haired. He seized the opportunity, leaping forwards and wrenching the worn handlebars away. The tire cut into his foot and the boy was sent flying, but there wasn’t time to negotiate. He had to get to the water. He swung the bike around, clambered aboard the seat, and took off, ignoring the boy’s indecipherably frantic cries. Unbidden he saw Joanna cross-legged before him, wide-eyed and wondering as he read her nursery rhymes. The bike was blue with orange stripes—funny what people noticed when their lives flashed before their eyes.

            It occurred to him that he had no idea where the water was.

            He heard a dull beeping noise, and instinctively checked the watch strapped to his wrist. Seven minutes, twenty-three seconds, and dropping fast, intoned the cheap digital display. He knew then that he wouldn’t make it in time. All around him the streets were packed with people, teeming and swarming over one another, overflowing to the brim. None of them had any idea; none of them cared; he was striving to save a city of machines and retards. New plan: find the closest, tallest building, and find it fast. Passersby were starting to notice the two-hundred-and-thirty pound man riding a child’s bicycle.

            There, ahead, the Hotel Lincoln. Twelve stories, reasonably luxurious, bellhops flanking the entrance. It would do, given the circumstances. Given the circumstances, how delightfully clinical. As if he could pretend his nerves weren’t fraying at the seams, rivulets of sweat running down his balding brow and into his thick fingers. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty together again. He stumbled off the bike and through the Lincoln’s clear revolving doors.

            The elevator stopped so many times on the way to the top that he had to struggle not to scream. It was almost a relief when he found himself on the desolate rooftop, heartbeat slowed to a ponderously thudding crawl. Twenty-two seconds on the timer, and undoubtedly police on their way. I’m sorry, Joanna. He ran towards the edge, lurching footsteps pounding the pavement, explosives tight around his chest, and leaped.

            His last thoughts were of flight

Apology for Being

I am the field near your house, standing sentinel amidst a backdrop of neatly mowed lawns. Some days you examined me from the window, paying more attention to the lazily drifting clouds and winding, imposing trees. Other days you approached and peered into my depths, idly wondering how to unearth my verdant veins.

 

At first glance I am pale: withered leaves and wispy shoots and waving stems all following the patterns of the breeze. But beneath the veneer I am coiled, tensing, a pastel of darkened green, gentle brown, russet red and winking yellowish-black. Sun and rain and snow call forth my instincts till I am more a hurricane than a garden. But I cannot bear to let you see all of me.

 

Underneath my naked rows of skin, I am a forest. Weeds and flowers wrestle for purchase so that sometimes I cannot tell how to breathe. Tiny rivers crisscross through me, straining for purpose against thin-packed soil. I am pockmarked by burrows, dens for timid creatures that you hoped to someday coax out of their holes. My sins are snakes that slither through the muck, lying languidly in wait to drag you down to meet me. My hopes are birds, lighting briefly atop their perches and pecking away at parasites before setting off towards greener pastures. At night the fireflies settle, a luminous blanket of thought, and you watch me with renewed wonder.

 

Somewhere swallowed in that thicket is my heart, a great grassy beast of a boulder tended by lichens and beetles. You searched for it once, hoping perhaps to roll it to a safer place, or sit on it and watch the day pass by, or simply place your hands upon it and feel me crack open under your caress. But the beetles lied and the lichens stayed silent, and you were never able to find it.

 

What might have emerged if I had not choked myself with growth? How tall might I have risen in your eyes, how close towards the sky, if I had not feared being tamed? I wish I had let you tend me, so that when the seasons turned and you were standing there again, I could bow the way you liked and we could meet as equals.

 

I am the land, swallowing myself up until one day I am gone and new and you can barely remember the joy you felt when I smiled.